I am learning some things in an abstract way, but implementing things in a concrete way is a different story. One of the consequences of spinning on the Potter's wheel is the fact that my concentration skills are not as good as they were before God really began molding me after high school. I was quick. I was smart. I was energetic.
Thirty plus years of being stuck on God's wheel has made me very pliable. I may be old, but my soul has been very pliable in nature. This has not come easy. I would have preferred to be that clump of clay placed on the wheel that immediately became the vessel it was supposed to remain. However, God has had every intention of teaching me how to react to different lessons of adapting to a new mold. I think I broke every mold; maybe that is why I'm not finished yet into a final vessel.
He remolded me when I graduated high school and started college. Then with each following event, God kept changing my original form into a very different vessel.
Marriage ~ August 18, 1979
Relocation to Tulsa, Ok ~ July, 1980
Building a new home ~ early 1981
Pregnancy ~ I found out we were pregnant on New Year's Eve. Perfect pregnancy until May 21, 1981~ Firstborn son emergency delivery.
Premature labor ~ Loss of firstborn. Taylor Monts Falls, died May 22, 1981.
Move into new home date ~ May 22, 1981, Fred's mother & brother in route from SC to OK to help us move & to set up the nursery. Station wagon is loaded w a cradle, dozens of brightly wrapped gifts & cards :-(
Shattered dreams, first time as a patient in a hospital, recovery from major surgery, possession of new home, weeks to heal physically.
Father's Day, 1981 ~ days prior had arrived in SC to bury Taylor in my home church's cemetery.
Another pregnancy ~ conceived in July~
Premature labor ~ around 26 weeks early December, I knew what it was this time around; lots of precarious moments and several hospitalizations and medications endured.
Birth ~ March 7, 1982, Brandon Montgomery Falls enters the world. Four weeks early, respiratory distress, admitted to the same NICU his older brother had died in only nine and a half months prior.
Homecoming ~ April 1982, Brandon is allowed to come home with us in Tulsa.
Baptism ~ June 1982, St Thomas Lutheran Church, Chapin, SC the same place Taylor is laid to rest.
Job loss ~ late spring, Fred gets laid off and begins looking for new employment.
Relocation & new job ~ summer 1983, move to Boulder, Colorado.
Bliss ~ we loved Boulder & the Rocky Mountains; tests towards another pregnancy; nothing wrong found. Given green light. Clay is conceived. Love is growing and all is well.
Emergency ~ May 19, 1985 Clay quits moving inside me; I panic, we go to hospital, he starts to kick in parking lot, go in for exam, into emergency delivery. I was impending uterine rupture. We were close to losing both Mom & Clay had I not been worried for Clay. I was in terrible pain but hid it well. Great delivery. Fred at bedside during delivery. JOY!
CRISIS ~ after birth, Clay's lung ruptures. He is four weeks early yet weight is 6 pounds and 15 ounces. Clay hovers near death for hours as many specialists attempt to stabilize him. I am bed wheeled into a tiny room to see him possibly for the last time. On public display; visiting hours, flowers, joy, laughter, gifts, balloons pass by me. The bed does not fit into the room for privacy as I see Clay dying.
Hell ~ how do I describe hell? It was harsh and unrelenting. Clay on a respirator in Denver for four months, a respirator the first three months. Fred again becomes jobless just as Clay finally seems to turn the corner. Geologists severely suffer the oil industry decline. Clay is transferred back to Boulder step down unit. Fred flies out a few days later to OKC, OK for job interview. Clay can come home. I bring him home by myself so that we could celebrate regardless the interview outcome. Interview well. Fred returns home. Clay is very, very ill. Back to hospital. Seizures & more. Full sirens back to Denver to the PICU this time. We got ahead of the ambulance in downtown Denver traffic; NO ONE would get out of the ambulance's way!
I realize that I gave an overdose of medication to Clay after bringing him home by myself. It was supposed to be .5 cc of medicine. I gave him 5 cc of this medicine. How? Why? The decimal point was not close to the 5; it was very nondescript. I simply did not see it as a POINT 5 cc dosage.
In Denver, Clay's life is uncertain again. A doctor calls us on the phone in Boulder to tell us on a Sunday evening that he did an exam on Clay and that his findings were ~ blind & mentally challenged!
Hell ~ it continued, on and on and on. Some might say it still exists. I believed that for a long time; our lives were living hell. I don't feel that way anymore, but I was well justified by feeling trapped in total darkness with event after event after event. "Will this hell ever end, LORD? What is the purpose, Lord? I know there has to be a purpose. I wish I could understand it, but I don't. I am not angry with you LORD, but I just don't understand our life as is. I placed it in your hands; I promised I would abide by your will if Clay lived or died. I am so overwhelmed and upset, but I do not hold bitter anger because of the promise I made with you the day Clay died in front of me before surgery."
Hell ~ greater details of the darkest of days which were yet to come after I've had a long doggy rest.
Tonight I rest, a survivor. I am cradled in God's hands of GRACE.
<')))><
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