Trying to remain single focused on a certain event or experience is often difficult for me. I am a scatter brained, middle aged wife and mom. I am the epitome of a spaghetti personality; in my heart and in my brain, everything is all tied together and difficult to compartmentalize into separate components. Actually, I believe my mind is just a crowded space that is filled with a great amount of dried out, glued together cooked spaghetti noodles. Extracting a single thought is next to impossible because it is likely stuck in the center of a lot of other dried out thoughts glued together in my mind. That being said I will explain/list some of the different areas of experiences I have gained significant personal knowledge.
(As a little girl I was often sexually molested by one man over the years of my childhood. I am fortunate that it was a lesser degree of invasion than many, but all invasions of any type into the innocence of a little girl or a little boy results in lifelong harm. I blamed myself, instead of him, for the molestation and particularly for the bad things that came after those invasions in my young life. That caused great harm to my emotional person. Self blame; self punishment in numerous ways, but never physically. I am stronger now, but it has been a long journey to understand it was not my fault; a common reaction by those who shared similar experiences. IT WAS NEVER OUR FAULT!)
I've been the young bride (1979) who moved with my husband a long distance away from our SC families in July, 1980, and had to learn how to grow planted in a different soil and thrive away from all I knew.
We experienced the harsh reality of infant death after a sudden premature delivery, Tulsa, OK 1981.
We then experienced two additional precarious pregnancies/deliveries. One with a challenged NICU beginning that has ended happily without long term repercussions. Brandon is now thirty years old and independent; born in Tulsa, OK in 1982.
The third and last was the best pregnancy in Boulder, CO but ended with crisis from a torn lung after birth which precipitated months in neonatal intensive care units, hovering near death with a result of severe Cerebral Palsy. Now twenty-seven years old and totally dependent with all daily life skills at home 24/7.
We (husband) endured three job layoffs within those same short number of years. A geologist subjected to a crazy oil industry in the early 1980s. Job losses occurred in 1983, 1985, and 1986.
We made three out of state moves because of those job losses those same years. Tulsa,Oklahoma to Boulder, Colorado (1983) then to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (1985) and finally we threw up our hands in despair. Through God grace and both sets of parents, we returned to SC in 1986.
During those harshest of years, especially Oklahoma City, I was extremely suicidal. These were my darkest days of my life. For those who have any experience of feeling suicidal, attempting suicide, or survivors of suicide or are family/friends of someone who committed suicide, I understand greatly the impetus of events that may lead to this particular experience with hell that robs hope.
Coming to terms as parents of a severely health compromised child and acceptance of permanent challenges of a final diagnosis of Severe Cerebral Palsy. Life revolved around the precarious health and continual hospitalizations of Clay.
We had to learn to advocate, advocate, advocate for the rights of Clay and our family in school districts and a society not yet used to the increasing numbers of challenged children. We had to fight professionals who claimed we were in severe denial of mental abilities that Clay possessed. They claimed he did not. (Guess who won those battles! Those professionals just kept denying our adequate knowledge of our own child!)
We've experienced the challenges of learning to live with a lot of durable medical equipment and all the chaos that comes with outgrowing and replacing, therapies, and associated red tape. We've become quite good at challenging the authorities who rule over the systems. Remember WE KNOW OUR CHILDREN BETTER THAN ANY ONE ELSE EVER WILL!
We had the sudden death of Fred's father at the wheel of his car to sudden cardiac arrest which severely injured Fred's mom. In trauma it was discovered she had very advanced breast cancer which she had kept from all of us. Great grief as she could not attend Dad's services, endured healing from several broken ribs and then had to endure mastectomy and radiation treatments. Transitioning life without Dad was harsh. Knowing Mom was now alone, fighting cancer an hour and a half away by herself, was difficult to understand. Nearly four years later, cancer had spread and she moved in with us briefly. She became a resident of a local facility but quickly declined. She died late October, within a week of the November date of Dad's death four years prior. Grief over Fred's parents was a harsh longstanding process.
Life after the loss of Fred's parents was mostly centered around the boys schooling. Brandon doing well, graduated in 2000. Clay exited school on his exact 21 birthday; it just happened to be the end of the school year.
My parents were needing increased assistance with aging and health concerns. In 2006, the year Clay exited the school system to be home 24/7, they gave up their home to move into an assisted living facility not far from home. Their health dictated greater supervision and they sacrificed their home, largely because they wanted to alleviate responsibilities I placed upon myself to care for them and Clay at the same time. It was yet another harsh transition, but one that also brought many unexpected blessings to everyone involved. I became a very sandwiched caregiver. I became an enabler in the process to an excessive degree. It began to allow my own health to become greater compromised.
I went through years of surgeries. My body just was breaking down from ongoing stresses and lack of self care. In an approximate seven years I had five major surgeries; the last in August 2010. I now live with several invisible disabilities including Chronic Migraines, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, and debilitating Trigeminal Neuralgia. I can relate to other people who also look good on the outside but feel terrible on the inside. I've learned great empathy and compassion for my peers. We depend upon each other in the rough waters that often seem non calming.
Three years ago, Clay had a medical crisis which nearly took his life. We spent ten or so days in a surgical intensive care unit. We slept on an exercise mat behind his bed, an allowance from the medical staff because Clay is non-verbal. It was brutal. It ended up being in excess of five months in/out of the hospital in 2009. He is now on a continuous enteral feeding pump via a gastrostomy tube. He is not able to eat food but does enjoy tasting things. At the same time, my father was fighting for his life in a different hospital. He was given less than a 3 percent chance of living. He beat the odds and returned to Lowman Home with my mother for an additional seven grateful months with us.
Daddy died July 3, 2010, a week beyond his 89th birthday. He was a permanently disabled WWII veteran. He was the youngest of four brothers who all fought together in WWII. In November, the oldest brother died, then in June another of the four died. One brother remains with us at age 93. What a rich history of service.
My mother tried to thrive without Daddy. Her heart shattered after his death, she was just never the same MAMA. They had been married nearly 64 years when Daddy died. November 17, 2011 a day after what would have been her 65 wedding anniversary, Mama went to Daddy and a first honeymoon destination of Heaven. Grief has been a difficult process. It is ongoing with some days/weeks better than other days/weeks. It can sneak up in a split second. It compromises health and routine activities. So many loved ones in such a short span is difficult to accept. I know they are all together, yet I miss each of them tremendously. I rejoice they all loved the LORD. Some day we will be reunited when God purposes.
Currently it is a day to day, one foot in front of the other, life. Every day has it's own challenges. Every day deserves peace and tranquility when it can be found. I am learning the need of increased self compassion. It is a huge work in progress. Life will always be a lesson taught by individual and collective experiences. The diploma comes with how we share our experiences to reach out to others so they do not feel alone in their lessons in a shared classroom called life. My desire is that my experiences may help give support, empathy, encouragement and fueled faith to those needing hope, love and continuing faith to keep living fully with the experiences life is requiring from them.
Love, hugs, blessings and prayers,
Annette <')))><
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